There’s all sorts of talk out there about being content. About being happy with where we are and with what we have. Especially in Mom circles. And I wholeheartedly agree with that.

To a point…

If we look at that statement literally and did just that, and only that, we would probably still be living in a cave somewhere. Right? Not being content brings change, sometimes much needed change. So, we have to be careful with this statement. We have to use it with discernment and without judgement to others.

There’s a lot of mom shaming and mom guilt centered around this one word. And I’m tired of it. I do think a lot of it is unintentional and misunderstood, with a thick layer of assumption spread over both sides, resulting in misguided and hurt feelings.

The Struggle

For me, my journey to find joy and “contentment” started two years ago in January of 2017, when I found myself feeling depressed, lost and alone.

It’s hard to actually write that out. No one likes to admit they are struggling with life and motherhood.

My life wasn’t bad by any means. At the time, I was a stay at home mom of a two-year-old girl and a six-year-old boy, with a small lake home business, living in Minnesota.

I know… what do I even have to complain about, right?

But I found myself slipping into a depression. I felt I had no direction. Ping-Ponging through my days, and living with a ton of mom guilt. I had mom guilt about everything.

That I didn’t play with my kids enough. That I played with them too much. That I wasn’t strict enough. That I was too strict. That I didn’t breast feed long enough, or try hard enough. (That whole subject is a story for another time.) Guilt that we weren’t involved in sports and leagues. Was I selfish to not want to run that race? Did I yell too much? And on and on it went.

The thoughts of guilt and sadness were consuming. I felt alone and as though I had no friends. I was becoming more and more restless. Anxious. Something definitely wasn’t right, but I couldn’t place my finger on it. My family should be my whole world right now, everyone tells you that. Everyone tells you the time goes so fast. Everyone tells you to enjoy it while you can.

So why wasn’t I?

Frankly, that statement used to make me mad. All I could think when someone said that to me was, “You obviously don’t remember what it’s like to have little children.”

Of course, my family meant the world to me. And I felt completely blessed. I had a wonderful loving husband and happy children. I knew I had no logical reason to complain about anything. And, I wanted so badly to be the perfect mother I thought my kids needed. But, instead, I felt like I spent my days hiding from them. Busying myself with housework that never seemed to get done. Just trying to get through until bedtime.

The idea that I was struggling with such a blessing, made for its own struggle of feeling selfish, ungrateful, and not a good enough mother. This just perpetuated the cycle.

What was wrong with me? It wasn’t that I was ungrateful. I was truly grateful for all God had provided me and my family. Yet as much as I tried to be content, I just wasn’t. Which just spun that wheel of guilt, shame and failure even more.

I felt like I had lost myself somewhere along the way, and I didn’t even know where to start looking to find me. I used to be joyful. I used to laugh a lot. If I could only figure out why I didn’t feel like me anymore, and figure out where I went, then maybe things would be better. Maybe I could be content.

So, the search began.

Free Will

I believe God puts people in our lives at exactly the right time. But we don’t always notice them right away. Or want to accept their help. It’s that wonderful gift of free will, and it doesn’t always work out to our advantage.

It started that way for me. God led me to a wonderful mentor. The thing was, that He led me to her a year earlier. I had never taken the thought of a mentor very seriously. So, I told myself I didn’t need her help. I could do things myself and get along just fine. After all, I’m a strong woman, who had even traveled to work in Antarctica for ten years. I’m just fine… thanks.

But obviously I wasn’t. What I was doing wasn’t working for me anymore. And on January 31^st, 2017, I admitted it to myself, and made the decision that changed my life.

I chose to invest in myself and started connecting with the woman I call my mentor. And even with my shy, introverted personality, I also chose to connect with the community of women that surrounded her, and the most amazing thing happened.

I came ALIVE!!

No Judgement

I couldn’t identify it right away. My goal had been to be a happier mom. And after a month, things on the outside hadn’t changed…(yet). My house was still cluttered with toys. My kids were still the same. Laundry was still left unfolded in baskets. Nothing goal wise had changed. But somehow on the inside things were getting better. I was more peaceful, happy, joyful even.

I was in sponge mode. Not a lot of doing, but a lot of soaking in all the information, the stories, the knowledge, the guidance, and the Truth. It was seeping into every crack and crevasse of my being. Filling me with life giving water.

I realized something powerful was at play. My mentor, who teaches by pairing God’s Word with Cognitive Psychology, was amazing as she spoke hard truths into my life. I needed that. I love it when people don’t beat around the bush and just say it like it is. It’s refreshing to me. Like a breath of fresh air. And I loved that she was a Christian Therapist.

The combination was powerful.

And just as powerful, were the hundreds of women in the group who were sharing in ways I had never seen before. They weren’t complaining about their lives. Or griping about them. Or throwing out cheap shots at their husband or family. They weren’t even venting. They were struggling just like me, but they were seeking guidance and wisdom from each other. And they were supporting each other with zero judgement. ZERO! They were coming along side one another helping, loving, supporting, praying, and working through their issues. Together. And they were getting real change and real results in their lives because of it.

It was like nothing I had experienced before.

I saw women working toward goals they had wanted for a long time and actually making them happen. All sorts of goals: career, weight loss, marriage, family, home… each unique to the person. And I started to really, truly believe the same could happen for me. I had hope again.

A Foundation to Build Upon, a Fence to Tear Down.

One Truth my mentor spoke stood out among the rest. The truth that I am unlimited. That ultimately, I am the only one setting limits in my life. Like a thermostat we set the limits we see for ourselves, and we live within those limits. But we are made in the image of an unlimited God. And through Him we can do anything.

Philippians 4:13, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

It’s a scary Truth at first. But with it comes much hope. Unlimited hope.

With this Truth came the reality of needing to let go of my limiting beliefs. I had placed so many on myself through the years, and had subconsciously agreed to let others place them on me as well. It was time to tear them off. One by one.

The Blessing is Real

Through this whole process I found what I had been searching for, along with so much more.

My original goal was to be a happy mom with my wonderful children. And it turned out writing was the missing link.

In my experience, once God turns up the heat on something He has placed in us, and the bubbling starts, it will continue to get stronger and stronger. If we do nothing, it will boil over into restlessness, anxiety, depression, agitation, anger and shame. And we can only distract ourselves from it for so long.

God was calling me to my purpose, to the gift He had given me. That was the lost, restless feeling that I couldn’t shake. I was making myself miserable over the blessing God was trying to give me.

To be clear, I don’t believe God places those feelings on us. Once again, I believe it comes from that wonderful thing called free will.

The busyness we create in our lives can bury what we need most. And the distractions we create will keep us from uncovering it.

Over the last year and a half, I started to write again. The first time in almost twenty years, save one writing class a few years ago. Writing has always been in my future. Whether I accepted it or not. Whether I believed in myself or not. I am still working through that second part. But I couldn’t not write any longer.

For me, writing is the best form of self-care. The result is my children now have a mom who is way less anxious and uptight, and who has more time, love, energy and attention to give them.

Our children learn a lot from watching what we do with our lives… and what we DON’T do. I want them to see a mom going after her dream.

And even though this is just the beginning of my writing adventure. God in His wonderful Grace did more than I could imagine. Through following His lead, and not listening to the fear. I was blessed with having the story of how I met my husband in Antarctica accepted and published by Orange Blossom Publishing! It will be in an anthology, titled How I Met My Other. A year ago, the thought of being published seemed quite impossible, or at least several years away.

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.” Ephesians 3:20 NIV

Join Me in My Journey

So, this is my journey of Learning 2 Let Go of the limiting lies that are holding me back in life, faith, marriage, parenting, career… all of it. The 2 is to represent me working with God. Having faith over fear to live the life He made me for.

I see now how one small step of bravery and obedience can change everything.

So, it’s OK to not be content. Because sometimes that’s just what we need to get us moving in the right direction.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I hope it somehow blessed you, and I hope you will continue to join me as I write about all of the things I am learning to let go of.

What do you need to let go of?

What have you already let go of?

What fears or obstacles are you working to overcome?

I would love to hear from you!